I live in a country that likes pigeonholes. Fit in, don’t make a scene, don’t ask questions. They literally have a phrase, ‘Act normal! You’re crazy enough as it is.’
Kids get the worst of this, and many cultures have a ‘be seen, not heard’ (or believed) mentality when it comes to children.
If you are bouncy, or talkative, or a visual learner, or shy, or all of the above, you might have a problem.
If you are a boy, you might get fast-tracked to an ADHD or other diagnosis, with different schools, pills, and all the fallout from these decisions made for you.
A girl might be lucky and given extra, more challenging work. Or she might stand out to her peers and be misunderstood, even picked on. She might be put on a different learning track, might get various labels, but maybe she was just underchallenged, or undernourished emotionally, or all of the above, or…
Being Different has always been problematic.
Our differences make the world more interesting and beautiful (you only want red rainbows?), but for adolescents growing in a world where social media scrolling drills how to look, talk, behave, what makeup and clothes to wear… life can be sickeningly hard.
Where I come from, hyperactivity and/or boredom or disinterest in class is more easily flagged as intelligence, even “gifted.”
I’ve been grieved hearing from so many youth and young adults over the years. All highly intelligent, perceptive, capable, self-reflective, sensitive, and humble. All who have received labels and educational tracks that have offered them little or made them feel less than.
Or worse, they are completely unaware of their talents and abilties and have believed everything spoken over them.
Like Frozen’s Elsa with “conceal, don’t feel,” but worse: She’s never even seen what she can do without gloves.
Can we turn the tide?
Kids always have to do what they’re told, go where they are told, take what they are given, so I want to share 3 Tips for parents, teachers, and anyone with kids or youth in their lives.
I also want to close with 3 encouragements for the kids/youth/young adults dealing with The System (maybe even unknowingly if you’ve always just believed it’s all your fault (said The System, School, Teacher, Counselor, Therapist, Parent…)
Tips and Considerations for Parents in Systems of Fitting in:
1. Maybe your kid is fidgety and can’t sit still because their mind is hyper processing way more data than you think.
From “prikkels,” eg the sights, sounds, smells, textures and colors in a room, to the emotions–via micro expressions, sighs, verbal ques of everyone around them. So much to see, do or resolve… I still have a hard time sitting still.
Today, a psychologist shared: fidgeting is our body’s natural way to release tension, deal with excess impressions, difficulties, etc.
‘Most school systems (and some homes) are busy breaking this in kids from an early age: Sit still.’
2. Consider your child might be highly sensitive and/or highly intelligent. Not a “problem child.”
Intelligence isn’t just math wizardry. There’s emotional and social intelligence too–the uncanny ability to be in a room full of people and sense who is having a hard time. And maybe your child is the one who will go sit near when everyone else is busy small talking.
There is also word intelligence. What if your child, always asking questions and working your nerves, is actually just stretching their under-utilized, under- stimulated cognitive ability?
Cartoon dialogue might not be doing them any favors.
Kids are books for us to Read, not to Write.
3. Before you take your kid down a therapy or other school track on advice of teachers (or your own exhaustion) consider their might be something else going on (including genius). And check if you can do something different?
Do we have the ability to help our child develop skills to both feel and communicate about (negative) emotions? Can we do this ourselves? Maybe a workshop, class, parent group or even therapy could really help you, and thus the kids.
God knows so many of us didn’t get the skills or support we needed ourselves as kids to thrive as confident, emotionally whole adults in this ever changing, ever demanding world.
Cesar Milan often said it was the owners of dogs, not the dogs, that needed rehabilitation.
3 Encouragements for Youth in the Mix
1. Recognize this: There Is Nothing Wrong With you
Say it out loud, repeat it, no matter what you’ve been told, no matter what’s been drilled in you: You are OK. You are Good. Just As You Are.
2. Sensitivity is a Strength.
The world pushes hardness, fitting-in-ness, why-do-you-care-so-much?ness. A world that makes fun of softness is a world that maybe needs more of it.
Sensitivity is a Superpower.
3. Know you are not alone.
Lots of kids can be/are struggling. (Adults too). Lots of people are walking around with labels—self-given or society-given—and are just trying to make it.
Many are flying under the radar, trying not to show too much, or struggling with sharing different ideas or insights, many afraid to have all eyes on them, again, or to hear they shouldn’t let something bother them so much, or that they are “too much.”
Don’t deny who you are. Cherish it.
Try to find someone to talk to who maybe understands, or at least is a good listener and supportive. Those people are out there. I hope I’m one of them. 🙏
Where do we go from here?
Short of a Revolution, I don’t know. But if parents, teachers, and society can try to be more aware of social, emotional, and thinking diversity (on top of their already loaded plates, I know), we might find that many “probleem kinderen” / “problem children” are actually just orchids in a field of daisies.
Daisies are lovely and can thrive anywhere, from sidewalk cracks, to grassy fields. Orchids need specific conditions, but are stunning when they bloom.
Psychologist
We can’t miss anyone. Let’s keep our eyes/hearts open for one another.
I hope something in this post resonated with you. Feel free to leave a comment below. Above all, hang in there. The night sky needs all her stars to shine.🖤
More articles of interst:
–“5 Lessons from ‘Frozen’ I didn’t See Coming”
-“Remix your Life: Encouragment on Being vs. Labelling Up“
-“Diamonds & Pencils: Become the Hero of your Own Story“
ps: The Book is finally here! “Ready for Crazy: Pocket Guide to the End of the World” Free e-book download here!
Take it easy peeps, sending a latte love,
Jasmine <3
https://linktr.ee/JasNotes
