10 Life & Sex Lessons Mom Never Told Me: #5- The “Everything But Sex” Approach Doesn’t Work

Day 5 from the #UnashamedList Series. Written especially for youth or young adults navigating sexual integrity, porn addiction, identity, etc. Series intro here.

These posts are crazy vulnerable. This one was extra hard to write.

Remember when I said I gave it away to the first guy I kissed? (ugh). We weren’t even dating. It was just a friend who happened to be very cute, and a bit older, and anyway..

(ps, I 100% dispute the size of that “forever alone” quadrant

Despite having been sexualized at an early age, I was SUPER hesitant about hooking up with anyone. As in, I didn’t. I wasn’t very confident in my own skin. I didn’t think anyone was interested in me. And kissing? No Way.

What if I’m terrible? What if my breath stinks? What if I stink?

On that fateful day when that friend made a move, my mental dialogue was: Get practice now before you really meet the one (BS.).

Little did I know that first encounter would go all the way. And my brain was still locked: get experience (lie debunked).

[Side Note: Last night my husband told me there’s a Dutch phrase, “op een oude fiets moet je het leren.” Direct translation: “you’ve got to learn on an old bike.” / cultural translation: get your sexual experience with someone who can show you the ropes. Wt.?!]

(I’ll definitely address this later in the Series)

When my mom learned I lost my virginity (after she went ballistic), she shared heart-felt guidance on Waiting. I started getting new bearings and thinking beyond immediate life.

“Gee, maybe I should wait for “the one.”

I made an inner vow to hold off till I headed down the aisle. Some wisdom like “can a man hold fire to his chest and not be burned”? (proverbs), or “its better to marry than burn with passion” (verse) made solid sense to me.

(Yeah, I wanted to settle fast!)

Bride praying ahead of her wedding, near West Bank. (Uriel Sinai/Getty Images)

But, like every other human, I’m a sexual being. Plus I already saw/heard/explored and fantasized a bit. So, I often pushed the line in relationships–a line I MYSELF set.

Kissing can be amazing, so that was “approved”, but over time that act just doesn’t express all you want to do/share with your partner… How quickly one thing can lead to another.

This Lesson I learned the hard/heartbreak way:

You can’t set some rooms in a house on fire, and NOT expect the house to burn down. (tweet)

I got in some compromising situations. I’d have heaps of regret and shame if didn’t look back without grace for myself. And that’s not just about me– I didn’t want to be a reference for someone who later met their One.

You don’t know that at the time. 
Just move forward.

If you’re thinking: “Jas, what have I got to lose?”  Or – “What’s the problem with fooling around?”  Or as one teen in this video said: “if you’re ready, just do it.”

Well, Here’s What Might Go Wrong:

  1. You may end up a social topic. Trust me, this is TOO EASY. Even if the initial sharing wasn’t with malice, sometimes people just share. That simple. I know.
  2. You also have to contend with Smartphones and social media. I was lucky enough to miss this (you warriors!), but now your intimate moments can = public attractions. That can be Horror.
  3. Maybe worst of all, an “everything but intercourse” approach–if it doesn’t spill over into full blown sex– might involve other acts that can leave you with a bonafide STD. Including, hello, mad serious ones.

When I found out the guy I slept with (A), had partner (B) who slept with countless others (C-Z), I was Freaked. Out. (tweet)

I remember sitting with a friend at a clinic. We were getting tested for everything, scared out of our minds, me praying to God that my first encounter would not be a death sentence. (And don’t even get me started on pregnancy and how Nothing– from condoms to the pull-out method– are Full-Proof).

For Flips Sake, Jas.

Look: Romps and rukus can (and should) be amazing. But before you’re in a committed, This-god-is-solid-and-willing-to-die-for-me (and me alone) relationship, is it worth it? <3

Tips if you’re trying to Start Fresh:

  • Definitely lay off the porn–in whatever form— media, texts, and if some scenes on TV or film make you squirmy, don’t be ashamed to just fast the heck forward.
  • Remember: Your body (and mind/heart/soul/spirit) is a gift. You have the right NOT to hand it over to whoever wants it.
  • Remember: Whoever is even remotely worthy of you will love and respect you enough to wait for you (if that’s what you want).

Check tomorrow for Day 6 in this #UnashamedList series.
-Series start and full days list here.
-Follow series or blog by clicking ‘follow’ button on homepage, or adding email  to receive notifications of new posts.

Hey, I’m Jasmine, drinking coffee, and wondering: Am I the only one? What are some of your ‘wish I knew this sooner’ – lessons? Or is anyone wrestling with any of these things?
Post a comment below or msg me. And pls share this series further. <3

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Image Credits:
-Cover Image, made by me, matchstick graphic modified from Jamie Street photo, found on unsplash.
-fire in the box, image from Elevation Worship: “Wake up the Wonder

One Reply to “10 Life & Sex Lessons Mom Never Told Me: #5- The “Everything But Sex” Approach Doesn’t Work”

  1. Intense introspection.
    Profound self examination and analysis.
    Deep thinking.
    Awesomely candid.
    Starkly raw.
    Potentially, amazingly helpful.
    And, your graphics ALWAYS BLOW MY MIND.

    One presumes to open oneself so is an enormously taxing, difficult personal experience. You’re brave to do it. I could never, and appreciate you for your clear desire to bare yourself to help others.
    Thank you for sharing in such a personal way, like you’re showing us your X-rays.
    I KNOW this will help others.
    Thank you.
    Be well.

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